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Nobody ever tells you what you should do when you see your hero cry.

As a seven year old girl, coming home from school, I expected to be greeted with smiles.

Instead I found my father on the couch, with his head in his hands. 

I tried to run up to him but my mother stopped me. 

All seven years of innocence had me looking up at him "daddy, what's wrong?"

He looked down at me with tear soaked eyes and calmly responded "your sister might die."

Seven years old with an 11 year gap put my older sister at 18.

The age where she should have been just following her dream.

Instead, my dad found himself braced with the idea that his first child would undergo her second heart surgery.

When we were young, my mother always told us that you couldn't love someone a half, you could only love them a whole or not at all.

So my sister may not have lived with us, and we may have struggled so my father could pay her mother,

But she was still my sister, and no seven year old should have to worry about their sister undergoing heart surgery for a second time.

Nobody ever warns you what it's like to see your hero cry.

to feel your heart collapse as you stare back at them, because you have no words.

My sister made it out of her surgery just fine, but she will never know what it was like, the day I saw my father cry.

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My name is Ria, and I have a problem.

See, I wear my insecurities in the form of oversized hoodies.

I don't binge and purge; instead I focus on doing the same with my words.

Each pants size I go up is binding,

Each shirt size constricting.

I feel like I'm suffocating.

I wear my insecurities in the form of DD boobies.

Put on v-necks to show off my assets,

some of the only things people think are worth seeing.

I wear my insecurities in the form of blue eyes the color of rubies.

But you would never notice them staring at my boobies.

You wouldn't recognize the sadness behind every smile,

or the self doubt in every hello.

Do you know what it feels like to never feel comfortable in your own skin?

To feel like you can never wear clothes, because someone is always making fun of you?

"Just because it zips doesn't mean it fits." 

"Fat girls can't wear skinny jeans."

"Muffin Top isn't cute."

Don't you think we know?

So this is me saying Hello.

I am Ria, the female embodiment of insecurity.

The girl always hiding behind a hoodie.

Crayola

People are always telling me I have too many emotions.

But I wonder if they’d say that if they saw colors like oceans.

There are hundreds of colors out there for all to see,

And I wonder if you ever ask yourself what color you would be.

My father is red, always angry and yelling,

And my mother is blue, passive and underwhelming.

My older sister is green, envious of her friends,

Getting married while she’s still living end to end.

My little sister is yellow, still innocent and new,

She’s young enough to believe that dreams can still come true.

If I had to pick a color, I’d say I’m like a grey,

Just trying hard to smile as I go from day to day.

But some days I’m red, or blue, or even black.

And there are days that I pray the yellow will come back.

Blank Canvas

Use my body as your canvas: paint me black and blue.

Fill me in with shades of green, until I look pretty to you.

Use my body as your canvas, carve patterns into me.

Design me into the woman that you desire me to be.

Build me up to tear me down, help me when I fall.

Then kick me to remind me, I’m only five feet tall.

Don’t let me get ahead of myself, remind me of my place.

Listen to my dreams, and then laugh right in my face.

Make sure I always realize, I’m nothing without you.

Order me down to the ground, make me kiss your shoe.

Remind me why you love me, tell me that I’m smart.

Just keep me coming back to you, try not to break my heart.

I’ll follow all your orders, I’ll let you take the lead,

You’re no knight in shining armor, you don’t have a faithful steed.

You’re bitter and you’re mean, you’re heartless and you’re cruel,

But I’m the one who sticks around, I guess that I’m the fool.

Still there’s something good about you, I can see it in your eyes,

It’s buried underneath all the cheating and the lies.

Just knock me down to the ground, just cast another stone.

Tell me that I’m worthless, I deserve to be alone.

Body bruised and spirits broken, I’ll lay right at your feet,

Our love song is not beautiful, it might not sound so sweet.

Just between you and I, the pain I’ll always bear.

I cannot imagine a life worth living, if you aren’t there.